I, more than anyone have defended Rats as a "good night" but i cannot in good faith defend last nights latest offering of "entertainment." It was in the top three bleakest nights at Rats and those of you who have followed the night over the years know that I do not say that lightly. We've lost our only paid member of staff, stage manager Mike, who supposedly found it unreasonable to charge females to use the toilet in order to help cover his salary. He was last seen busking in Leicester square in a rat mask singing a song about kidnapping children, we are deeply concerned for his welfare.
The audience consisted of three civil servants who were subjected to to ever to grace the stages of Englands decaying shores. Mysogonistic act after mysogonistic act strode to the stage to belittle obese women on Hinge and wave their dicks around to the shock of our tiny audience which was even smaller than the penises of the acts performing.The audience did increase slightly in the second half as two German engineering students where press ganged into staying after mistakenly wondering downstairs to find a toilet. As I had used up all my audience interaction in order to get some momentum from somewhere we were left with no choice but to google Civil Servants pensions as Russell head of vibes had heard they were generous. I had not envisaged at this stage of my career that the highlight of a show I was hosting would be two German student engineers looking perplexed as we scrolled through the eye watering figures of pensions for civil servants. I've spent 2.5 k on this night and put an unquantifiable amount of emotional investment into it to create what essentially is a night that has more cameras then people there on a weekly basis. I will make this a good night of entertainment even if it kills me.
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