RATS FINAL

We decided to go for an Olympics theme for the sold out final and as far as I could see only me and front of house manager Mike had read the memo. The idea of the final is to elevate the night from a terrible night to an average one, always a difficult line to

straddle after you've slagged off all the comedians and denigrated the art form in the 12 week run up. As the show started it became clear that this was the standard of a heat with acts choosing to talk about f+cking their rank, autistic sister, using an impromptu encore to try out an untested rape joke that played to complete silence and a full five minutes about a former bully of theirs hanging themselves to one of the longest silences we've ever had at Rats (worthy of the prize IMO but he did not stick around till the end of the show to be eligible)

An audience member who sat in the front row looked like Johnny Depp it turned out that not only did he look like him he was his number one fan launching into a lengthy tirade about all the legal injustices our Johnny D had suffered which sparked a one man campaign for #JusticeForJohnny much to chagrin of the room. Mike the stage manger dressed as a body building Rat hosted an archery competition between the johnny Depp Look alike and "Team Ambers" Alfie to try and ease the tension. 

The night was too close to call so the remaining three finalists were called to a fencing competition using 16inch dildos, Joe Haddad found some self worth and decided this was a step too far for his dignity, Alex Chase threw himself on his own dildo in an act of self sacrifice rarely seen on the open mic circuit leaving Nicky G a worthy winner of the Rats Summer season 2024.

We offered him the dildos as a prize but he refused which meant technically all profits had all gone on purchasing dildos which means me and Russel got paid for this series of Rats in dildos a fitting payment for a series of this quality I'm sure you'll agree.

What did we miss? Leave a comment.